What is home?

I think there are several definitions of home. And that there is a difference between being at home in a dwelling and being at home in a town or city. I live in Fresno, CA. Right now I live in a lovely house that a feels like home. But the town still feels foreign to me. I feel like I am a visitor in a strange place. I don't belong in Fresno. We have been here 1 1/2 years. We have acquaintances and I know where all of the shopping should be done. There is family, which is perhaps the only redeemable thing about this town. And yet...

I used to live in Provo, UT. At first I didn't belong there, but at the end of seven years I knew I did. What changed? How did Provo become my home? It wasn't a perfect place. It didn't fit my ideal of what a perfect city/town should be (there was snow afterall), but it felt like home.

I think a city becomes your home when you are comfortable there. When you have a nitch and are included. Here in Fresno, there are a lot of very nice people who have tried to include me. Yet I resist. I don't want Fresno to be the place we stay forever. I don't want to be stuck in this hot, dirty, poor place.

In a perfect world I would live near the ocean. I feel at home next to an ocean. The waves speak to my soul and sooth me. I could live in a lighthouse on the outskirts of a small village and I would be perfectly happy (I think).

However, this imperfect world has deemed that I will live in a desert for an indeterminate period of time. How long will we be here? Four more years? Four more decades? Forever?

I need to accept that Fresno needs to be my home. Maybe now that I have accepted that I need to accept Fresno, I can. Oh, but it is so hard!

Thoughts on Burial

I was in Monterey, CA last week. I took a walk every day. One day, I went to a well maintained cemetery with a lot of mausoleums. I mean a LOT. There were several rows of mausoleums. I had never seen a mausoleum before and the sight stunned me. I had just walked past hundreds of modest graves, only plaques in the ground. And now here were some people had the audacity to make themselves more important by building themselves a building. Why did they do this? Do they think that they will they be more remembered, that they will be more important because they built themselves a shrine? Even in death there is a competition about whose graves markers will be the best. "I am richer than you, and therefore I am more important because I can build myself a building." Is that what this was about? I have been into the crypts of lords and kings. I am used to them parading themselves before the world. They feel like they earned it. Okay, I get that. It is tradition. But having a normal, common man do this? I was astounded.

As I continued my walk, my thoughts turned to family. There were several heart shaped headstones with places for two people and only one person was there (and the first one died 60 years ago so that wasn't the reason there was only one person). How lonely. It would be more friendly, more comforting, to know that your body lies with the bodies of your family members. Is that why people build mausoleums? To ensure that they will be buried with their family?

Maybe the mausoleums I saw last week were the result of pride. But maybe, and I hope this is true, just maybe, they want to be with their families in death. We don't all have the eternal perspective and hope the Gospel brings concerning eternal families. In the end, seeing the mausoleums made me appreciate that I have been sealed to my family for eternity. I know that it doesn't matter where we are buried. We can get lost at sea or die on Everest (I read "Into Thin Air" recently) or die in our beds, but no matter where we die, we will be together forever.

Buddy: A Tribute to a Very Good Dog

Our dog Buddy is gone. We had to put him down a few weeks ago. Luckily we were forewarned and I was able to have a last week to say "good-bye."

I am mixed on how I feel. I was sad to see him go, but now that I am through the mourning process, I am actually kind of glad. No more hair and no more dog chores on my plate. I now have more time to get things done. And I don't have to feel guilty when he follows me around the house. I don't have to feel bad that I'm not giving him attention when I want to get something done while the baby sleeps.

But he was a very good boy and was a comfort at night when Steve was gone (and Steve is gone a lot for work). Buddy got so excited for simple things. And when I was crying because I didn't want him to have to go, he comforted me by sitting on (not at) my feet.

Do I want another dog? I don't know. I just don't know.

He could eat a rawhide bone from Costco in about 20 minutes.

He was a big dog that liked small spaces.

"Oh, please can I have it? I'm a good boy."

Sitting at our feet while we watch General Conference.

"I love my rope toy."

He was a very patient dog.

What is going on here?

"Helping" me vacuum.

Loyal to "Master".

Santa Cruz

Steve had to work in Santa Cruz and I jumped at the chance of having a paid vacation on the coast. I loved my trip. The hotel location was phenomenal (thank you, Steve!) and I was minutes from both the beach and downtown Santa Cruz. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! Especially when it is 100 + degrees at our current home.

The climb to the top of the street was worth it. I had a chowder bread bowl on the wharf with Steve and his co-workers.

It is cold on the boardwalk and I want out of my stroller!

Okay, I will go if I have to.

Are you sure about this, Mommy?

A more comprehensive view of the Carousel.

Climbing

So Jenna has decided that climbing is one of the only things worth doing.

Here she is climbing Buddy:

Speaking of the dog, I also caught Jenna washing her sock in the dog water. I didn't get a picture because I had to put a stop to it fast!

She is much better at entertaining herself. She has learned how to fall on her bottom, which is much less scary than falling backward. She crawls more so when she gets bored she can easily look for something else to do. She also follows me (crawling) around the house while I do chores. After about two full house laps she gets frustrated.

So she is crawling well. As for walking, I am torn. I would like her to be able to be more independent, but I know that once she starts walking she will get faster and have more potential for getting into trouble. I guess I'm not really encouraging it! Though it does stress me out when I see this in the morning:

Jenna has a lot more personality. She laughs a lot at silly things and likes being social. She talks alot. Her current favorite is growling. She is fun to be with and I am excited to get to know her more as she gets older.

Oh, and she is starting to resist spoon feeding. I guess motherhood is a job that constantly changes...

Whenever I go shopping I get comments about how she looks just like the Gerber baby. That is fun. Also, I have recently had strangers tell me that I am a good mother. Awkward, but nice.

Kind of random, but I also like this face: